There was a time when “meeting fatigue” meant sitting in a conference room with a sad pastry and a half-functioning projector. Now? It’s you, your laptop, a sea of floating heads, and a silent prayer that no one asks, “Can everyone turn their cameras on?”
Welcome to Zoom Nation, where audio is optional but chaos is guaranteed.
Here are the five coworkers you’ll meet in every virtual meeting, and some survival tips to help you cope with them.
1. The “Still Connecting” Phantom
You see their name. Maybe a still image. Maybe a whiff of pixelated movement. But they are never really there.
They enter the meeting 10 minutes late with an upbeat “Sorry, my Wi-Fi is being weird!”
(Translation: "I was watching YouTube until 9:59.")
They spend the rest of the meeting frozen in time like a Renaissance painting of regret.
Survival Tip: Don’t rely on them for anything. If they’re presenting, reschedule. If they’re just listening...well, they’re not.
2. The Over-Sharer (a.k.a. The Mic Hoarder)
You ask a simple yes-or-no question. Todd responds with a TED Talk.
“Yeah, about that timeline… it reminds me of something I heard in a podcast this weekend that really made me think about productivity and how we conceptualize time, right? Like…”
You could've had lunch. You could’ve had a career change.
Survival Tip: Master the phrase:
“Let’s circle back to that in the chat and keep things moving.”
It’s polite code for: Please. Stop.
3. The Ghost Typist
They’re unmuted. They’re typing. Loudly. Aggressively. Possibly on a mechanical keyboard from 1997.
Everyone hears it. No one knows what they’re working on. It’s probably not this meeting.
Survival Tip: If you’re brave, call them out with, “Hey, I think you might be unmuted?” If you’re not, just mute them like the silent hero you are. Zoom gave you that power for a reason.
4. The Camera Rebel
Everyone’s got their cameras on. Everyone’s trying. Then there’s this person:
Camera off.
Profile pic is from 2009.
Suspicious silence for 45 minutes.
Are they here? Are they cooking lunch? Are they even awake? The mystery remains.
Survival Tip: Never assume they’re listening. Ask direct questions if needed, or just accept that you're talking to Schrödinger’s coworker, both present and absent.
5. The Background Enthusiast
This person’s Zoom background is doing way too much. One day it's outer space. The next, it’s them at Hogwarts. Sometimes… it’s a moving video of a tropical beach, complete with seagull sounds.
Do they know we’re discussing budget cuts?
Survival Tip: Compliment the background once. Then ignore it forever. If you laugh every time, it only encourages them. Don’t feed the virtual scenery.
Bonus Round: You
Yes, you. You’re someone’s Zoom stereotype too. Maybe you're the "Mute Whisperer." Maybe you always look like you're being held hostage by your webcam. Maybe you only respond with “+1” in chat and vanish like a digital ninja.
And that’s okay.
Because if there’s one thing we’ve learned in the world of remote work, it’s this:
We’re all weird on Zoom.
Final Thoughts
So next time you’re staring into the abyss of a 15-person video call, just remember: you’re not alone. You’re surrounded by characters in the world’s most awkward sitcom. Embrace it. Laugh about it. And for the love of bandwidth - mute when you're not talking.
Got a Zoom personality I missed? Tell us about them on our forum! Then forward this to your team and call them out gently (or passive-aggressively). We won’t judge.
