The Daily Struggle: Clocking In, Mentally Clocking Out
The office jungle. Fluorescent lights. Questionable, yet free coffee. Disgruntled souls you call coworkers. You come in decently well-dressed simply to disguise how much you dread to be here yet again.
You reach your desk. The stack of work piling up has been added to overnight and just staring at it makes you want to take a nap again. Those “productivity tools” you rely on so much are just colorful to-do lists with anxiety.
You turn on your computer, immediately ignoring the high number of emails waiting for you and go straight to googling “how to look busy” for the hundredth time instead (hint: start with having a lot of tabs open).
And who wouldn’t? Deadlines, meetings that could've been emails, and Todd from Finance oversharing during team calls. The office can be a hellscape. There’s an art to surviving this place, and survive it we must.
The thing is, this is not a survival guide.
This is a barely-holding-it-together guide.
Zoom Meetings: Where Time Goes to Die
Every meeting has the same characters:
The Talker
How long has it been? 10 minutes? 10 years? You lose all track of time when Todd is talking. Sure, you might lend an ear if it was pertinent, but who really needs to hear about his weekend in this much detail?
Survival Tip: If you’re brave enough, try mastering the art of saying “Let’s circle back to this…” If you’re not, master the art of dissociating.
The Muted Philosopher
Mic muted. Camera off. Not seen since last February but they must be alive since they logged in. What goes on behind that profile picture from 2007 they use as their avatar? Are they contemplating the meaning of life? Off finding the lost city of El Dorado? Man, you wish you were. Anywhere but here.
Survival Tip: Don’t rely on them for anything. Just don’t.
The “Just Piggybacking” Person
For the love of paperclips, have they ever had an original thought of their own?! They are the living embodiment of “if your friends dove off a cliff…” You’re stuck sitting there hearing your own words regurgitated by them. How much are you willing to bet your boss will agree with them more than they did with you?
Survival Tip: Stay calm, respond with “I’m glad you agree with me” and move on. It’s that, or find yourself on a meeting with HR next.
Frankly, these meetings are scheduled to “touch base” but these people just end up touching your soul... painfully.
(For a more in-depth list of your everyday Zoom archetypes and how to survive them, click here)
Email Etiquette (aka Passive-Aggressive Olympics)
“Per my last email…”
You are a warrior and this is your weapon, your katana. It’s sharp, precise, and devastating when used correctly. Fight back against the hordes of incompetent responders and make them regret they ever ignored you to begin with.
(Click here to see the full breakdown of this beautiful office tool.)
Using “just circling back” as a threat
That’s enough, Todd! You have no power here. We’ve indulged your tangent long enough and it’s time we get this train back on track. Save it for the front desk attendant who is forced to remain at their post.
CC’ing the boss for “transparency” (aka escalation)
Do they remember that time when they stole credit for what was your idea? ‘Cause you sure do. You may have been naively trusting back then, but you are seasoned now. It’s time this argument is brought to the king’s court. Sometimes you wonder if they deserve a “thank you” for teaching you such a valuable lesson, but it will be a cold day in hell before you tell them. At least, colder than this office.
Office Personalities You Will Encounter
The “Always Has a Hot Take” Guy
Maybe his hot takes are as harmless as Doritos being overrated. Maybe he claims having beer on tap in the company kitchen would help productivity. Maybe he constantly loves playing devil’s advocate with anyone that’s not his boss. The only thing you know for sure is you would transfer to an Antarctic location if it meant you’d escape him having a new unique opinion every day.
The Plant Lady
Her desk is a jungle but you can’t help but feel jealous – of the plants, not her. The succulents have a 401k higher than yours. The pothos gets more benefits than you’d get in 10 years at the company. The snake plants stand tall, unlike you, who can barely stand to be here.
The Mysterious Remote Worker Who May Be a Legend or a Myth
Some say they started like you, coming into the office everyday before they haggled their way to freedom. Others say they’re a folk tale, told by higher ups to give you a dream to aspire to. Yet on the off chance that they are more than just a corporate fairy tale, you salute them.
Survival Tips for the Slightly Burnt-Out
Strategic bathroom breaks
We always say to work smarter, not harder, and the same goes for bowel movements. Why use your bathroom at home when you can relieve yourself on company dime? Or maybe you want to skip Todd’s presentation at the beginning of a meeting. After all, what’s your boss going to do, deprive you of your basic rights?
Pretending your webcam is “glitchy” to escape video calls
I’m sorry, boss, but you don’t pay me enough to get a better quality cam. Yes, I’ve contacted IT (not really) and no, I sadly don’t think it’ll resolve itself today. Maybe we could postpone this important check-in on my performance to tomorrow?
The emergency snack drawer: the real MVP
Remember the “freshman fifteen” from back in college? Now is the time for the “Thursday thirty”, binging on Snickers bars and Butterfingers just to make it through the last stretch of the week. Who cares about the crumbs on your shirt? This drawer filled with chocolatey goodness and chips as salty as your work attitude is the only thing keeping you from quitting.
If You Can’t Escape It, You Might As Well Embrace It
This isn’t Disneyland. It’s not about having fun. It’s not about thriving - it’s about creative endurance. It may seem like you’re the only one rolling your eyes but rest assured, everyone’s winging it. Some are just better at pretending.
So use whatever tools you have at your disposal. The office is a battlefield so don’t charge in empty handed. And be sure to celebrate your small wins. Wins like making it to the end of Friday or not crying during a 1:1. It all counts for something.
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