They say time heals all wounds. But they clearly never worked in an office with centralized microwaves and poor ventilation.
It’s been a year since The Microwave Fish Incident rocked our department to its core, and while the air has cleared (mostly), the emotional scars remain. This is our story. And our trauma.
The Day It Happened
It was a Thursday. Spirits were high. Leftovers were being lovingly reheated. Then it happened.
At precisely 12:03 p.m., someone—we still don’t know who—microwaved a fillet of salmon... with the lid off.
With. The lid. Off.
The scent was immediate. It clung to the walls, the furniture, the soul.
The Five Stages of Office Grief
1. Denial:
"That can’t be fish. Maybe it’s some kind of artisanal curry?”
It was not curry. It was seafood vengeance.
2. Anger:
"WHO DID THIS?! WHO HURT US?!"
Slack channels were flooded. Tensions were high. Suspicions were everywhere.
3. Bargaining:
"If we get rid of the microwave, can we go back to the before times?"
4. Depression:
Lunch was canceled. Everyone ate granola bars at their desks with a thousand-yard stare.
5. Acceptance:
Just kidding. We’re still angry.
The Investigation
An informal task force was formed. Clues were analyzed:
A fishy Tupperware spotted in the communal fridge.
An “Out of Office” calendar block suspiciously titled “Lunch 😎.”
Someone with a faint, lingering whiff of lemon dill.
But justice was never served.
Only the salmon was.
The Aftermath
Windows were opened. In February.
The microwave was exiled to the basement, next to the broken chair graveyard.
A passive-aggressive sign was posted:
“NO SEAFOOD. EVER. THIS MEANS YOU, TODD.”
(We’re not even sure Todd did it. But it felt right.)
One Year Later
We’ve moved on. Sort of.
We’ve learned to forgive, if not forget.
And we’ve all become experts in cold lunches and quiet resentment.
But every now and then, someone heats up tuna...
...and the PTSD kicks in.
Final Thoughts
Let this be a cautionary tale: With great microwave power comes great responsibility. If your lunch smells like it belongs on a fishing boat, maybe... just maybe... consider eating it at home.
Never forget. Never reheat.
Got traumatizing office kitchen story yourself? Let us know over at our forum!
