Dear Mysterious, Sticky-Fingered Refrigerator Bandit,
We need to talk.
Somewhere between Monday's leftover Thai and Wednesday's Greek yogurt, you crossed a line. A sacred, mayo-streaked line. You opened that sad little white door in the break room, peered into the cold fluorescent abyss, and took what was not yours.
You. Took. My. Lunch.
I don’t mean to be dramatic, but this was no ordinary sandwich. This was a handcrafted, artisan-level turkey club with just the right amount of Dijon and a slice of love (aka sharp cheddar). It had my name on it. Literally. In black Sharpie. On a Post-it. Underlined. Twice.
And you… you monster… ate it.
That’s it. Peace is no longer an option. I’ve turned the other cheek too many times but every person has their breaking point. Shall we review what brought me to mine?
Exhibit A: The Missing Yogurt
Let’s rewind to last week. I placed a single, hopeful vanilla Greek yogurt in the fridge. I even hid it behind a suspicious container of “Quinoa Surprise” that’s been in there since 2023 (RIP). But still - gone. No note. No apology. Just betrayal and a clean spoon.
Exhibit B: The Crockpot Incident
Remember “Crockpot Thursdays”? Neither does anyone else. Because someone (you) once helped themselves to half a pot of chili I brought in and then put the lid back askew. What are you, chaotic evil?!
Who Steals Lunch in 2025?
There are only a few possibilities here:
You forgot it wasn’t yours. Okay, fine. It happens. But once? Twice? Thirteen times?
You’re testing office boundaries. You’ve succeeded. We now all carry our lunches like nervous meerkats guarding a treasure.
You believe in fridge communism. This is corporate America. A capitalist snack zone. Please take your socialist snacks elsewhere.
Solutions We’ve Considered:
Installing a mini security camera inside the fridge.
Booby-trapping Tupperware with glitter bombs.
Bringing decoy lunches labeled “Definitely Not Laced with Laxatives.”
Just writing passive-aggressive notes like this one (clearly the most fun).
A Modest Proposal
To the Fridge Thief: If you're hungry, speak up. We will literally start a GoFundMe for your sandwich needs. But please - please - stop violating the Geneva Convention of communal kitchen etiquette.
Also: I know you took the hummus too. Don’t think I didn’t notice.
Signed,
Everyone Who Has Ever Had a Lunch Stolen,
But Mostly Me,
Because That Was My Last Slice of Sourdough and I Am Not Okay.
P.S. If you return the Tupperware, no questions asked, we can all move on. But if you took the tiny Tabasco bottle inside... we will find you.
P.P.S. If you’re a fellow victim, be sure to check out RedFlag Networks’ forum! We can commiserate (and conspire) there.
